I can't watch pbs sober anymore
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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