I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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