He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
