I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
