I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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