he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
