I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
