so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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