I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
