I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
