Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
