The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
