I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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