i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
