you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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