No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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