Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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