A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
