do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
