Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
