DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
