You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
