I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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