My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
