I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize