I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
