while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
