Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
