hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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