I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
