you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
