don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
