someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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