i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
