On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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