You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize