I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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