At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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