I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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