You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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