you have to choose: penises or morals?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Randomize
