Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
