WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
