My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
