tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
