Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I had to cum in my sink.
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