Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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