God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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