life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
