We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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