i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
