In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
