I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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