Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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